go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
