The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
how does that bad decision feel?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
