I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
