i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
