I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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