i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
