This beer is not sobering me up at all
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
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Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
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Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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