I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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