So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
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