I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
