i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
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he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
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I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
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