After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
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