I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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