i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
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I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
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Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?