im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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