You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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