If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
