if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
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