he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
