Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(213): View more from California

I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...

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(843): View more from South Carolina

did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?

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(415): View more from California

I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.

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(408): View more from California

he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."

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(804): View more from Virginia

she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"

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(856): View more from New Jersey

She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism

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(206): View more from Washington

I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

hasn't he seen you naked?

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.

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