Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
