I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
We left the knife in your bed.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
