I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
