Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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