If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
