i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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