Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
