I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
