dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
