Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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