Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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