hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Randomize
