Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
