It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
