cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
