some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
