Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
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I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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