ya dads aren't the best wingmen
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
