So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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