Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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