did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
