What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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