Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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