YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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