Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
