I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
