I'm so fucking centered right now
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
