I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Randomize
