i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Randomize
