i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
