do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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