Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
