I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
