so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
