U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
