I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
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About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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