So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
