Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
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