I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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