Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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