The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Dignity is for republicans.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
