Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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