I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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