You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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