we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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