I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
my being single is dangerous.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
