is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
